Shirou's Brotastic Mother's Day Special
by TypeMoonFreak
Summary: Shirou Emiyeah is on a mission to buy the perfect gift for Taiga. Wacky hijinks ensue. Rated M for an unorthodox use of a very large purple dildo.


**Shirou's Brotastic Mother's Day Special**

Light fills my vision even through my closed eyelids. My senses gradually start to focus and I can hear the birds chirping outside my window. I open my eyes and feel the warm sun on my skin and see the beams of light coming through my window. I yawn and stretch my arms over my head. Looks like no one snuck into my room, which is rare concerning Sakura is still living here.

I get out of my futon and look at the Calendar. It'll be Mother's Day pretty soon. I'd like to get someone a present but seeing as how I don't have a mother I'll have to choose the next best person. Fuji-nee. If anyone deserves something on that day it would be her.

The problem with that is I don't know the first thing about shopping for her. Despite what she acts like all the time, Fuji-nee is still a girl. Shopping for a girl will be somewhat difficult but thankfully I do have plenty of people I could ask to help.

As luck would have it, today was one of the rare occasions Fuji-nee didn't show up for breakfast. At the table now were the usual people, Saber, Rider, and Sakura. I can't believe I'm about to ask them something so embarrassing.

"Are you okay Senpai? Your face is awfully red." Sakura is as observant as always.

"Uh well Mother's Day is coming up pretty soon so I was thinking about getting something for Fuji-nee." I scratch my head. "The problem is I have no idea what she would like."

"Well, with Fujimura-sensei food is always a safe bet." Sakura replies after thinking for a second.

"She eats all the time, I want to get her something a bit more memorable." Fuji-nee does eat a lot, much like a certain someone.

Sensing someone was looking at her, Saber peeks her head up from shoveling rice into her mouth.

"Saber you're probably the only one here who had somewhat of a relationship with their mother. Did you ever get her anything to thank her?" I ask her, not really sure what kind of answer I should expect from her.

Saber set her bowl of rice down, an elegant motion befitting her knightly upbringing. "Yes, my mother received the honor of watching me grow up to lead England."

Personally I think that would be hard for a mother to watch her daughter grow up to be a warrior… "I don't think I can do that."

My last hope, I turn to Rider. I don't know anything about Rider's mother, but I do know she had two younger sisters so maybe there was a chance that they gave her something once. "Did you ever get anything from your sisters Rider?"

Rider looked up from the book she was reading and adjusted her glasses. "They gave me indigestion." She admitted casually. Right… I almost forgot about that part.

My head slammed into the table with a loud thud. I should have known none of these girls would have been of any help. I need to talk to someone a little more normal.

_After breakfast…_

So I decide to talk to Rin. I know at least she had a mother. I don't know much about her relationship with her mother, but she at least would have given her gifts at one point or seen her father give her mother gifts. After the dishes were cleaned up and everyone went off to do whatever it is they did. Saber went off to the dojo, Rider went shopping, and Sakura retreated to her room. Taking the opportunity, I call Rin using the house phone.

After a few rings, Rin picks up the phone. "Tohsaka residence." She answers normally, as expected.

"Rin, it's me. I have a question I wanted to ask you." I inform her. I honestly don't like using phones, I don't think its personal enough. I'd much rather talk face to face with someone then call them on the phone, but I do understand the need for them.

"Oh Emiyeah-kun, what do you want?" Her voice perked up a little when she heard my voice, she sounds like she just woke up though. It's to be expected since it's the start of the weekend and Rin isn't a morning person at all. Frankly I'm surprised Archer didn't answer the phone, then again Rin probably wouldn't let him.

"Are you free right now? I'd much rather talk to you in person about this." I don't want to ask Rin how to shop for girls over the phone…

Rin muffled a yawn over the phone. "I'll be ready by the time you get here, hurry up though." Probably still groggy, Rin hung up the phone before I could reply.

"Man, she's really out of it in the morning." I say to myself and hang up the receiver.

Well, now I have to get ready to head to Rin's. Archer will no doubt want to pick a fight when I get there and I'm not really in the mood to deal with him right now. With Sakura's help I have a way to deal with him so he won't bother me for awhile. Sakura doesn't know about it yet though.

I make my way over to Sakura's room, outside her door I can hear her making noises in her room. Honestly, she should be more careful about how loud she is. Those worms in her body increase her libido so she must have it pretty hard. Be that as it may she is in possession of my secret weapon against Archer. Well… half of it anyway.

I rap my knuckles on the door. "Hey Sakura, I'm coming in to borrow something."

"S-S-S-Senpai! W-Wait a minute!" Sakura's frantic voice comes from the other side of the door as I fling it open. I've caught her a couple times doing this already so it's not like she had any reason to hide anymore. Inside, Sakura is half naked and throws a blanket over half of her body. I catch a glimpse of what I'm after poking out between Sakura's legs. I guess you could call it Sakura's secret weapon too and it's the biggest thing I've ever seen look like that.

"Don't mind me, I'll just be in and out." I say and casually walk into the room and walk over to Sakura.

She makes a squeaking sound as I reach into the blanket covering her body and pull out the secret weapon that she was using. I thought I pulled it out pretty quick but the sheer size of it still made it take a couple seconds. I swear it was like pulling out Excalibur. In my hand and grotesquely flopping around is a large purple… well at this point I don't think I need to say. It's about a foot long and looks like it once belonged to a large horse, well if the horse was purple and made of rubber anyway.

"W-W-W-What are you doing!" Sakura exclaims completely clueless and probably so embarrassed her head might explode. Well her reaction is pretty cute I will admit. I quickly leave her room and hear her mumble something in a sad sounding voice that said "I was almost done too…"

I leave the house carrying the purple hyper weapon in my hand. It's still warm and very slippery from Sakura using it, which will be perfect for what I have in mind. I make my way into my shed and find the second half of my gift for Archer. It's a pneumatic t-shirt gun that uses a compressed air canister to fire a rolled up t-shirt similar to a grenade launcher. I got it from a baseball team… just don't ask me how.

I pick up the weapon and flick it open so the cylindrical barrel can be loaded. I insert the foot long bullet into the loader and flip it closed.

"That'll do it." A grin crosses my face as I sling the weapon over my shoulder with the leather strap and make my way towards Rin's place.

It was a bit of a walk and I got a lot of strange looks from people but it wasn't long before I reach Rin's huge house. She should be ready by now.

I knock on the door a couple of times and hear heavy footsteps on the other side. Those footsteps clearly aren't Rin's. I only have a couple of seconds, so I take the launcher off its shoulder strap and point it towards the door.

The door flings open and Archer's tall figure is now in the doorway with a very angry look on his face. "EMIYEAH SHIROU PREPARE TO… eh?" He seemed to realize what was about to happen as he came face to face with the barrel of my t-shirt launcher. He looked like he went cross-eyed as he stared down the barrel.

The second his head came into view I squeezed the trigger and a loud hissing noise of the air followed by a hollow thunking sound as the "bullet" flew from the tube. Even Archer couldn't dodge that point blank shot, he didn't even have time to react as the large purple horse… thing hit him square in the face.

"Gaah!" Archer fell backwards onto the floor, the flopping purple object hanging limp off the side of his face as Archer's body twitched on the ground. He got knocked out cold.

I casually stepped over Archer's body and closed the door behind me.

"Emiyeah-kun is that you?" Rin peeked her head around the corner into the entryway. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at Archer. "What happened to him?"

I shrug. "He tripped and hit his head on the door."

"I wish he'd quit playing around like that." Rin furrowed her eyebrows. "Tea?" She asked, completely ignoring Archer's predicament or the fact that there was a large object hanging off of his face.

Rin and I retreated to her living room and we sat on the couch next to one another with a nice cup of tea. It was a breath of fresh air considering I haven't seen a whole lot of her lately. "So what's this about?" Rin asked as she took a sip from her cup.

"I want to get a gift for Fuji-nee but I don't know what I should do. I was hoping I could ask you for advice." Again feeling nervous I end up scratching my cheek.

"Pffff!" As expected from Rin, she spit her tea all over the table and started to laugh hysterically at me.

"Hey I'm serious you know…" I frown at her and notice it looks like she's having trouble breathing.

"I know! That's what's so funny!" She manages to choke out a reply and starts to pat me on the back harder than what's necessary.

"I'm glad you're enjoying this so much." I force a smile through gritted teeth. I hope she chokes.

Rin coughed a couple of times and took a deep wheezing breath, a noise very unsuited to her looks. "Okay, okay, I'm done." She wheezed a reply and wiped the water out of her eyes.

"Are you sure?" I cross my arms and glare at her.

Rin waved her hand. "Sorry, I thought you had something more important to say than that so it was just too funny."

"Out of everyone I think you're one of the more qualified people to help me out." Rin was acting like she might be able to help.

"Well you should have asked me first. I did have a good relationship with my mom you know." As if that were something to be proud of Rin puffs out her chest. "If it's a gift for a girl you want, you should definitely get her something expensive and shiny." Rin replies while holding up a finger.

"I don't know if I can afford something like that…" I think about it. I can imagine Rin's dad buying both her and her mother all kinds of gems and other things. Jewlery would be a good present if it was for anyone except Fuji-nee. She's not really the type who likes that sort of thing.

"The one thing you have to understand about girls Emiyeah-kun is they like to be pampered and showered with expensive things." Somehow I think she's just speaking from her personal views… Sakura definitely isn't like that. Saber sort of is, if you can count food on that list of expensive things.

Something tells me I should just go down to the river and see what I can find down there on my own. "Thanks for the help Rin, I'll think about it." I finish off my tea and get up to leave.

"You're going through a lot of trouble just for her." Rin commented as I start to walk away.

She's absolutely right. Any other day I wouldn't bother since she mooches off me all the time anyway. "Yeah, but today is special."

_A short bus ride to the river later…_

The river was actually a really good shopping spot. There were all kinds of shops there, anything from clothes to souvenirs. It was around here I brought Saber on a date and ended up buying her a stuffed animal. She loves it to death and takes really good care of it, so maybe I'll get something similar for Fuji-nee.

The weather today is perfect for walking around here, the smell of the sea fills my nose with a salty scent. I walk to a clothing store that has a few women's dresses on display and contemplate buying one. Nothing fancy of course, but something like a sun dress might fit Fuji-nee pretty well.

"Thinking about cross-dressing kid? You might look good in that." I hear a familiar voice and turn around to see Lancer standing there with a huge grin on his face. I'm not surprised we ran into each other, he practically lives out here.

"If I were to wear a dress then I'd be the only girl that would bother talking to you, Lancer." I shoot back his grin with one of my own.

"Ouch, that hurts." Lancer fakes a frown. "So what are you doing out here? Going to buy something for one of your girlfriends?"

"Sort of." I answer vaguely.

Lancer clucks his tongue in annoyance. "Man, why do all the girls go after brainless idiots like you? I don't get it."

I shrug. "I'll ask one and let you know."

Lancer chuckles. "I'll catch you later kid, I'm due back at the flower shop. Come buy some for your lady friend." Lancer waves before turning and heading towards the street. My interactions with Lancer usually end up like that no matter where we end up meeting.

Actually, taking his advice and buying flowers may not be a bad idea. Fuji-nee should be home for dinner tonight, I'd like to have something for her by then. Then again, Fuji-nee is probably too lazy to properly care for flowers…

I go to the nearest fast food restaurant and get a burger. I take it outside and sit on a bench. "Man, I'm not making any progress…" I heave a sigh and take a bite. I don't really eat out a lot and this burger is kind of greasy but it does give me some energy to keep going.

So far all of my ideas have been taken out by either Fuji-nee's character or my wallet. After I finish my lunch I toss the trash and head back to that clothing store I saw earlier to check the price on one of the dresses they had on display. The store mostly carries women's clothing, so I'm a little nervous about going in there. I'd have brought Rin with me if I wasn't so sure that she'd make fun of me the whole time.

I make my way into the story, there's a banner along the ceiling that indicates that they're having a spring sale so everything is 20% off.

"Can I help you with something?" A girl approaches me who looks like she works here. However I also know her, her name is Saegusa Yukika. She's a cute girl who's in the same class as Rin, though she's rarely seen without her entourage of other track and field members.

I turn around and greet her with a smile. "Hi Saegusa. I didn't know you worked here."

She seems to recognize me after I turn around. "Hello Emiyeah-kun. I only just started here last week."

"It's weird seeing you when you're not around Makidera and Himuro." I mention casually.

"We're not glued at the hip you know." Saegusa says with a small giggle.

"Well of course not." I reply with a laugh.

"I can see why you would say that though. We do spent a lot of time together." She leans forward and smiles. "So is there something I can help you with?"

"Yeah actually, you know that dress you guys have on display in the window there?" I point to it to get her attention.

Saegusa nods. "Mhm, the yellow one right?"

"Yeah that one, can you get it down so I can see how much it is?" I ask. I'm really thankful for the fact that I know someone working here, it makes doing this a whole lot easier.

"Yep, right away." With a cheerful response Saegusa skips over to the display and retrieves the yellow sun dress from the display and brings it back.

I take it from her and turn over the tag and look at the price. Since it's on sale just maybe…

"So who's this for?" Saegusa asked curiously.

"It's for Fuji-n- er… Fujimura-sensei." I answer honestly. Just about everyone I know knows about my situation with Fuji-nee so I can tell them. If anyone else saw it though it might look a bit strange buying a dress for one of my teachers.

"Hm… you have pretty good taste for a boy." Saegusa mumbles as she looks at the dress in my hands. "So?" She looks at me expectantly.

"I'll take it." I nod. It would take a chunk out of my wallet, but like I said to Rin earlier today is special. Saber might have to eat ramen for a couple of days.

Saegusa grinned widely. "All right! Should I wrap it up for you?"

I nod. "Please do." Well, mission accomplished. I feel like I should gain experience points or something for all I went through. It's not long before I leave the store with the dress wrapped in a fancy yellow box with a black ribbon around it.

_Dinnertime…_

The moment of truth has arrived. I returned home after lunch and after receiving a good yelling at from both Sakura and Saber (though they were for completely different reasons) I decided that I'd make dinner myself tonight. So when Fuji-nee got here I'd give her the present as well as a huge dinner. A hot pot would be a pretty good idea, usually we only eat stuff like that for special occasions… well it is one. I'll just put a lot of meat in it.

"What did you buy for Fujimura-sensei?" Sakura asks curiously from the table as she sits with Saber and Rider who are peeling and eating mandarins.

"I bought her a dress. It's pretty simple so I think Fuji-nee might actually wear it." I walk over and steal a piece of the orange Saber was eating and pop it into my mouth. If anyone else did this they'd get killed but Saber didn't seem to mind. She already yelled at me once for not being here to make her lunch, right now she's giving me the cold shoulder. I didn't think she knew how to do that.

The doorbell rings. My heart skips a beat. Sakura gets up and opens the door.

"Hiiii~!" With her usual energy and grace Fuji-nee bursts into the room.

"Good evening Taiga." Saber greeted her with a smile. Rider looked up from her book and nodded in her usual manner.

"Oooh mandarins!" Fuji-nee took her spot beside Saber and grabbed an orange.

Next to me Sakura elbows me in my ribs. "Senpai." She calls my name to get my attention.

I nod. Okay. It's about time I guess. I gaze across the table at Fuji-nee who is happily peeling an orange while humming a tune. She's been with me since dad died, she cared for me like a mother even though she's busy with her work as a teacher sometimes. If her and old man Raiga hadn't helped me out I don't know what I would have done.

"Fuji-nee I got something for you today."

"Hm? Wha ehf it Firou?" She replies with a mouthful of food.

I was hiding the box under the kotatsu so I dig it out and slide it across the table.

Fuji-nee swallows hard. "Shirou what is this?" She didn't look like she expected it at all and the look on her face says I caught her completely offguard.

"Open it and find out." The rest of the table went silent and even Saber stopped eating.

Fuji-nee pulled off the blow and gently unwrapped the paper around the box with dexterity I didn't even know she was capable of. She pulled the cover off the box once the paper was off and looked inside. She reached inside and pulled out the yellow dress.

"Shirou why did you…?" Fuji-nee was speechless. In all the years I've known her I don't think I've ever once seen her like this.

"Happy Mother's Day, Fuji-nee."

"M-Mother?" Fuji-nee stuttered and stared down at the gift in her hands. Her eyes began to well up with tears and she looks up at me.

"Um… Fuji-nee?" I call out to her. I think she might be overreacting a little bit…

"Uuuuu~ Shirouuuuuuuuu~!" Fuji-nee burst into tears and jumped across the table like a cat, tackling me.

"Oof!" She hit me hard and tackled me to the floor, her arms held me tight and she rubbed her cheeks on my face.

"You never bought me anything before." Fuji-nee sniffled.

"Well, I figure you deserve it. At least just for today." I pat her head. It's because of her that I have the life that I do, she's a good teacher and a good parent. Even if she's not my mother, for at least a little while she made me feel like I had one. So just this once, I can afford to spoil her.

"Hey Shirou?" Fuji-nee wipes her eyes and whispers in my ear.

"What is it Fuji-nee?" I whisper back, completely oblivious to everyone else in the room.

"What's for dinner?"

**QUEST COMPLETE!**

XP gained – 5000

Emiyeah Shirou is now Level 3!

Taiga route unlocked!

"Oh hey, there's my experience points."


End file.
